Friday, May 30, 2008

Who ordered the Atheist Fashionista?

I did the unthinkable. I agreed to attend bible study with my sister in law. Up until this point, I have been rather successful at coming up with reasons for why I cannot attend any of her church functions. However, this time she went so far as to line up a babysitter for me, so I pretty much just gave in and said, “OK, I’ll go.” And so I went. And I hated it. Surprised?

Hmm, where to begin. Oh! Yes, of course, there was my outfit. Let me just preface this by stating that when I decided to attend this church function I was operating under the ill conceived assumption that women still get dressed up for church. I had a picture in my mind of what bible study women dressed like: frilly dresses, big hats, white gloves, panty hose, and pearls, you know, that sort of thing. So I approached the decision about my attire like, "Hey, I clearly do not fit in with these people but I’ll be damned if I can’t dress the part." What an ass.

Just close your eyes for a moment and think El Torito Hostess. Remember the way the staff dressed at that restaurant? Those shiteously bright colored peasant dresses with the white ruffles underneath and those big bold patterns that made you feel drunk even before you wrapped your lips around your first margarita. Well suffice to say that the only accessory missing from my brilliant ensemble were four menus and a pitcher of water. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made the choice to wear something so obnoxiously frilly. If this is the effect Jesus has on people than I am totally certain Christianity sucks.

The odd thing is, I’m relatively sure I looked cute when I stood in front of my bedroom mirror. And if memory serves, I don't seem to recall anyone laughing uncontrollably at me before I left the house. However, somewhere between my front door and my sister in laws car seat the outfit went from bohemian chic to really fucking stupid. In hindsight, I should have taken the hint that I had made a tragic fashion error when I got into my sister in laws car and the first thing she said was, “My! Don’t you look fancy!”

After I arrived at the church I quickly became aware that apparently NO ONE dresses up for bible study or church these days. It was all flip-flops and t-shirts. I looked around at the faces staring up at me with polite smiles and slow-to-blink eyes and thought, I have two choices here. One, I can make a joke about how stupid I look. Or two, I can make a joke about how stupid they look. I chose option one. “Hi!” I said. “No. It’s not my wedding day. I just really like ruffles.” They giggled politely. And truth be told I would have given my firstborn for any of their sandals or t-shirts. Did I mention I had on four inch closed toe heels? So hot. Literally.

So, I start doing the usual meet and greet and all the women seem nice enough, they brought lots of snacks, and talked about their children, the church, their lives, etc. And all was going reasonably okay. That is until they informed me that we were going to be playing Bunco. Bunco? For those of you who are not familiar with Bunco let me just tell you that my four year old could play Bunco. Scratch that. My TWO YEAR OLD could play Bunco. Yes, it is that simple. Absolutely no skill involved whatsoever. None. Having said that, that doesn’t mean that you cannot suck really badly at the game. And there is nothing quite like sucking at a game that requires no skill. Is there?

All of a sudden and out of nowhere tables are being converted, dice are being handed out, prizes are being discussed, and I even notice that some women are wearing special handmade Bunco bracelets! It appears that this is a very serious game and the ladies that play it-attack it with the kind of tenacity one would reserve for securing their survival out in the wilderness. It was all very National Geographic.

I cannot tell you how much I am hating my life at this point. But, it was like the louder they got the quieter I became. I could not for the life of me get what was so EXCITING about this game. My idea of hell would no doubt involve having to play Bunco for all of eternity with the neocons and any member of the Bush administration. In fact, I can think of about fifty other painful things I’d rather do than play Bunco while eating a sausage ball dressed like I’m at my Quincinerra. Did I mention that the entire time I was playing the game I was sweating profusely under the fluorescent lights?

However, the real highlight of my afternoon at bible study came when I sucked so badly at Bunco that I got to wear the BIG ORANGE HAT. Yes, they make you wear a plastic hat if you lose enough times in a row. It was great. And needless to say when it came time to say my goodbye's everyone hated me. Who wouldn’t? I ate all the sausage balls, barely talked, looked like a party favor, and couldn’t stay focused on the simple concept of Bunco. Hey, at least I don’t have to worry about being invited back. Right?

16 comments:

Wicked Step Mom said...

My idea of hell involves anything with pink and frills... And playing yahtee with old people that smell like feet. And I can honestly tell you, I would have rather done that then what you had to go through!

Godless Sunday said...

no shit.

womaninawindow said...

At least the hat looked nice with the dress. Right?

Oh, and all the T-shirts and sandals, that's the new look for those insiduous Christians who want to infiltrate the masses of everyday pagans.

Godless Sunday said...

I had no idea.

Gardens of Solipsism said...

That was the most hysterical episode!!! LOL!! My belly hurts from laughing, I snorted. You must be a comedy writer in the making. I've always know church began as a ritual for the faithful to show off our feathers and beads. You brought the custom into present day in the most delightfully "Carol Burnettish" skit, Brava! I will never witness bingo again without picturing the natives with their nose bones shaking rattles and betting on who gets thrown into the pit.

Jay said...

I can't think of a thing to say, except ...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*Tears!*

Susan said...

You played it all wrong, booze lots and lots of booze. Next time spike the watered down punch. Keep the sausage balls.

Psychodiva said...

ROFL I am so glad I have never ever experienced anythinglike that - where on earth was the bible study in all that? not that I want you to do it of course but isn't that what you went for?

My sister has threatened that I can't go to her wedding unless I wear a pink frilly dress- I hope she is joking :(

Susiewearsthepants said...

WTF? Even if you were over dressed, they should have done everything they could to make you feel more comfortable! It makes me sad that people go around preaching about hellfire and brimstone, but they don't even know how to make a newcomer feel welcome.

Whit said...

I know women (no men) that play that game. They make it sound fun, but they stress the drinking. I'm guessing bible study was dry.

Sunny said...

That sounds really bad.Reminds me of some of my Baptist school nightmares, only in reverse.No study of the Bible either?

Lady Language said...

Haha! This was delightfully funny and I am sorry you had to attend church :-)

p.s. I'll be in touch soon regarding the writing.

AliBlahBlah said...

I think you should have worn your 'if it swells ride it' t-shirt. Far more appropriate.

Sir Thom said...

I probably would have dressed up as well, like a typical protestant male from when I used to go to the presbyterian church -- in a white collared shirt and tie and a grey or black suit.

Sir Thom said...

You could wear a richard dawkins shirt?
I will have to look up this game.

Julie said...

I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience at the "bible study". I am a Christian and at the very least, you should have been welcomed and loved, and introduced to our Savior, Jesus Christ!
Church functions so often have nothing much to do with Jesus and loving people anymore. I sincerely hope if you ever go back to church, it will be worth your time!